Moving On

Whether your wedding was an extravaganza in which you said “I do” in front of a few hundred family members and friends or a quiet little ceremony between you, your spouse, and a court clerk or justice of the peace, you entered that union with big dreams, hopes, and a conviction that the two of you would be forever. Unfortunately, life has unseen twists and turns, and though you may have expected a few bumps in the road, you never thought everything would fall apart. If you’ve found yourself facing a divorce, you are likely feeling at loose ends and uncertain as to whether there is anything that you can count on. Though you may feel hopeless now, people do get over a divorce and find happiness again. Here are some top ways to move on after a divorce.

• Give yourself a break from your ex – Continuing contact is one of the most challenging aspects of divorce and doing everything you can to minimize or eliminate contact will help you recover and return to your sense of self. Though this may seem impossible if you have children who shuttle back and forth between homes, you can arrange custody so that drop off and pick up are organized around school or daycare rather than at either of your homes. If you are a member of a shared community such as a church or social group, you may choose to avoid attendance for a while, or even to negotiate that the two of you alternate attendance. It’s also a good idea to block each other on social media and explain to your friends that contact is painful, asking for their patience and cooperation
• Recognize the loss and allow yourself to grieve – Though a divorce is not a death, it can feel like one, and as a result, you should let yourself go through each step of the grieving process. There are wonderful books dedicated to the subject and reading them can be helpful. Be kind to yourself, with no expectations of how long it will take you to recover.
• Build new habits and adopt new rituals – Every step you take to introduce yourself to something new allows you to step away from the painful past. Create new rituals, get involved in new sports, meet new friends, change your schedule.

Divorce is painful, but by being mindful and not expecting too much of yourself, you will get through it and move on to a better day. If you need legal guidance through the process, contact us today to set up an appointment with our compassionate attorneys.

Same-Sex Marriage and Divorce

Same-sex marriage became the law of the land in 2015, when the United States Supreme Court’s decision on Obergefell v. Hodges effectively struck down all state bans on the practice and made gay marriage legal across the land. This represented a broadening of laws that had already passed in several states, as well as in several countries around the world. With same-sex marriage now more broadly available, new questions arise about how it might change marriage associated practices, including the divorce rate, adoption, and more, and it is likely that there will be a great deal of research into statistical differences between different types of couples. Those studies had already begun to be conducted in countries where marriage equality was already the law, including in the United Kingdom where a new study conducted by the Office for National Statistics has found that marriage between lesbians was more likely to end in divorce than marriages between homosexual men.

The United Kingdom made same-sex marriage legal in 2014, just 15 months before the United States. As was true in the U.S., passage of the law resulted in a rush to marriage, with over 1,400 couples marrying within three months of the new law’s passage. The majority of those unions were between lesbians, and almost immediately after getting married, the same-sex marriages began falling apart. One year after getting married 22 couples had divorced and two years later another 90 had split up, bringing the total to 112. An astonishing 77% of the divorcing couples were women.

It is unclear as to why the lesbian couples in this and other studies have gotten divorced at a higher rate than has been true of homosexual males: the top reason given for splitting was “unreasonable behavior,” which is the UK’s version of irreconcilable differences. Some sociologists have posited the notion that the women rushed into marriage with higher expectations and a greater sense of romance about the union than the more clear-eyed approach that the men had taken, but that theory has raised some eyebrows and objections. In Britain, lesbian couples were found to break up twice as frequently as gay men even before same-sex marriage became legal. A similar trend appeared in a study conducted on civil partnerships in Norway, Sweden and Denmark by researchers at Stockholm University.

It is interesting to note that even in heterosexual marriages, women are more likely to initiate a divorce than men are, and that may provide the most significant clue of all as to why the divorce rates are higher for lesbians than for gay men. Women may simply demand more from the relationship, or be quicker to acknowledge when it is no longer working.

Whatever the reason, if you are in need of an experienced divorce attorney who can help you navigate through the challenges of ending your marriage, we can help. Contact our office today to set up a time to meet.

Easy divorces are extremely rare. In most cases, the divorce process is contentious. In some cases, they are extremely high conflict affairs. The stress of a contentious divorce can have wide-ranging impacts on the individuals getting divorced and their children, as well as their family and friends. In some cases, the stress goes beyond the norms and reaches a level that creates a medical diagnosis of PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

There are many factors that can contribute to a divorce leading to PTSD. If the divorce is the outcome of adultery or abuse, the psychological scarring can arise from those events and then be exacerbated by the stress of the divorce process itself. As couples argue over belongings, the marital home, and custody, they can inflict tremendous pain on one another. Generally speaking, spouses know one another better than anybody else, and though that is a positive thing when you’re talking about supporting each other in a time of need, it can work against you during a time of conflict. A divorce is a painful event under the best circumstances, but when the situation is adversarial and the person who is on the other side of the table knows your weak points, they can inflict real pain and damage in devastating ways.

Making matters worse is the fact that the trauma of a contentious divorce is rarely limited to the two spouses that are dissolving their marriage. If the couple has children, then an emotional toll will likely be exacted on them as the couple vies for their attention. Divorcing couples often treat their children in the same way that they do the possessions that they are fighting over. They are jealous of each other’s time with the child or children and begin to label interactions that were once acceptable and normal as abusive, manipulative, or worse. The same is true for family members, colleagues, and friends who may want to support both individuals. They often find themselves hearing devastating details that they’d rather not know, and disparaging comments that they’d rather avoid entirely.

PTSD is a serious psychological disorder that may require extensive counseling and treatment.  When a high conflict divorce leaves you depressed, unable to sleep, and in a constant state of stress, it is essential that you seek help from a qualified therapist to help you deal with what is happening to you. Doing so is the best way to ensure that you are able to move forward and find a healthy relationship in the future, as well as to live a peaceful life for yourself. If you need legal assistance through a contentious divorce, we are here to work as your advocates. Contact us today to set up an appointment.